When we think about sobriety, the focus often falls on removing alcohol and learning to live without it. However, long-term sobriety is about much more than abstinence; it’s about addressing the underlying behaviours and patterns that contributed to our reliance on alcohol in the first place. One critical aspect of this is learning to navigate conflict and build healthy connections—and this is where Terry Real’s concept of the Feedback Wheel, introduced in his book Fierce Intimacy, becomes invaluable.
The Feedback Wheel provides a practical framework for addressing conflict and strengthening relationships, which is especially relevant in sobriety. My therapist recommended Fierce Intimacy to me, and I immediately connected with its approach. I loved how the Feedback Wheel offered me a structured way to address conflict, and it’s a practice I’ve taken forward in my daily life. Whether I’m working through conflict with others or navigating my own inner struggles, using this tool allows me to respond as my adult, rational self rather than reacting impulsively, like the teenage version of me might have. This shift helps me feel aligned with my values and leaves me with a sense of pride and empowerment.
Sobriety brings clarity, and with that clarity often comes a deeper awareness of how our past behaviours—such as avoidance, deflection, or emotional reactivity—may have hindered our relationships. Learning and practicing the Feedback Wheel can help protect us from falling back into these old patterns, enabling us to create connections that are supportive, compassionate, and sustainable.
Why the Feedback Wheel Matters in Sobriety
Sobriety often shines a light on the emotional and relational challenges we may have numbed or ignored while drinking. These challenges can surface as conflict with partners, family, friends, or even ourselves. Without the right tools to navigate these moments, we risk slipping back into old behaviours, such as:
Avoiding difficult conversations.
Reacting impulsively or defensively.
Allowing unresolved tension to fester.
The Feedback Wheel teaches us how to approach conflict with mindfulness, accountability, and empathy—qualities that are essential for maintaining healthy connections in sobriety. By using this tool, we can prevent misunderstandings and create an environment where both parties feel heard, respected, and valued.
What Is the Feedback Wheel?
The Feedback Wheel is a structured process that helps individuals navigate conflict with clarity and compassion. It’s about breaking the cycle of blame and defensiveness by focusing on four essential steps:
What Happened
Start by describing the facts of the situation without interpretation or judgment. For example: “Yesterday, when we were making dinner, I noticed you raised your voice when I asked for help with the dishes.”
What You Made Up About It
Share your internal narrative or assumptions about the situation. For example: “I told myself that you were annoyed with me and didn’t want to help.”
How You Felt
Express your emotions without placing blame. For example: “I felt hurt and unappreciated because I thought you were upset with me.”
What You Would Like
Clearly communicate your needs or requests for the future. For example: “Next time, I’d appreciate it if we could talk calmly about how we’re dividing tasks.”
This process shifts the focus from “winning” an argument to building understanding and connection. For individuals in sobriety, it’s a powerful way to replace old patterns of avoidance or reactivity with healthier, more intentional behaviours.
Action Steps: How to Practice the Feedback Wheel
Here’s a step-by-step guide to using the Feedback Wheel:
Prepare Yourself
Before addressing the conflict, take a few deep breaths and ground yourself. This helps ensure the conversation remains calm and focused.
Follow the Four Steps
Work through each part of the Feedback Wheel: What Happened, What You Made Up About It, How You Felt, and What You Would Like. Write these down if necessary to stay clear and organised.
Engage the Other Person
Share your feedback using “I” statements and invite the other person to share their perspective. Active listening is key here.
Collaborate on Solutions
Work together to identify ways to avoid similar conflicts in the future. This could include setting new boundaries, improving communication, or adjusting expectations.
Practice Regularly
The more you use the Feedback Wheel, the easier it becomes. Consistent practice helps to rewire old habits and build healthier relationship dynamics.
Protecting Sobriety from Old Behaviours
Conflict and relational strain can be significant triggers for those in recovery. By practicing the Feedback Wheel, we can:
Reduce Emotional Reactivity: Staying present and mindful helps us avoid impulsive reactions.
Build Resilience: Strengthening our relationships provides a solid foundation of support.
Prevent Relapse: Addressing tension constructively reduces the risk of falling back into old coping mechanisms.
The Feedback Wheel isn’t about achieving perfection; it’s about showing up with intention and a willingness to grow. Each time we practice it, we strengthen our ability to create and maintain healthy connections—a cornerstone of a fulfilling sober life.
Additional Resources
To dive deeper into the Feedback Wheel and Terry Real’s work, check out these resources:
Feedback Wheel Worksheet PDF: Download this free worksheet to guide your practice.
Official Terry Real Website: Learn more about Fierce Intimacy and other relational tools.
Fierce Intimacy Book: A must-read for anyone seeking deeper connection and personal growth.
Final Thoughts
Navigating conflict is an inevitable part of life, but it doesn’t have to derail your sobriety or relationships. By incorporating the Feedback Wheel into your sobriety journey, you’re not only protecting yourself from old behaviours but also building a foundation for healthier, more meaningful connections. This is the real work of recovery—moving beyond abstinence to create a life of clarity, authenticity, and connection.
For more information on how I can support you in your journey to not only find freedom from alcohol but to thrive in sobriety, check out my signature online course "It Starts With Sobriety"
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